The Occasional String Band

Balding Men With Day Jobs Lyrics

Copyright 1995

 

TV SONG (Schennum)

You say you've been around this whole wide world from the bottom to the top.

You've sailed all seven of the seven seas, you've seen every continent

I hardly ever leave this house I've never sailed the sea

I can't stay gone long anyhow I'd miss some good TV

Soap operas every morning game shows all afternoon

At night I watch a movie and I always watch the news

I hardly ever leave this house I've never sailed the sea

I can't stay gone long anyhow I'd miss some good TV

I planned a long vacation to take a trip out west

I had some money saved in the bank it was seized by the IRS

I hardly ever leave this house I've never sailed the sea

I can't stay gone long anyhow I'd miss some good TV

My TV sets examples of what I'd like to be

TV used to imitate life now life imitates TV

I hardly ever leave this house I've never sailed the sea

I can't stay gone long anyhow I'd miss some good TV

 

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED (Haworth)

DIAL 1-900 PHYSIC

AND SHE'LL AMAZE WITH WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW

VISA NUMBER'S ALL YOU GOTTA GIVE

MAKE YOUR MAILBOX OVERFLOW

THE RESULTS ARE JUST AMAZING

THEY CAN REDUCE THE SIGNS OF AGING

DOCTOR'S AND MOVIE STARS AGREE......

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED

IF YOU DRINK DIET PEPSI

GIRLS WONT NOTICE THAT YOU'RE UGLY ANYMORE

IF YOU'LL JUST PUT ON THESE UNDERPANTS

YOU CAN LOOK JUST LIKE SOME HUNKY SPORTS HERO

AWESOME SCENT OF STETSON

MAKE YOU SMELL JUST LIKE A STALLION

MAKES YOUR LADY WANNA RIDE UNTIL YOU SCREAM.........

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED

WHY DO WE LET YOU WASTE OUR PRECIOUS TIME

TRY'IN TO TELL US HOW TO SPEND OUR EVERY DIME

THAT TELEPHONE IS GONNA RING BOUT' DINNERTIME

EVERY OTHER NIGHT

THEYíVE MADE SOME NEW ADVANCES IN ANNOYANCE

AND HOW ARE YOU TONIGHT

WE KNOW YOU CAN'T RESIST FOR LONG

WE'LL MAKE YOU HUM OUR LITTLE SONG

WE'LL GET TO YOU EVENTUALLY.........SATISFACTION GUARANTEED

YOU'RE THE SOURCE FOR ALL OUR USELESS INFORMATION

WON'T GO AWAY YOU'RE ON EVERY SINGLE STATION

 

MISSED THE BOAT (Schennum)

The boat just left and you weren't on it

How long should they wait for you

When it gets to a port and you're not there

Your luggage won't know what to do

Don't know what happened - lost track of time

Thought when I got here I'd have to wait in line

Bought my ticket early - A coupla weeks ago

My bags got checked and loaded down below

The boat just left and you weren't on it

How long should they wait for you

When it gets to a port and you're not there

Your luggage won't know what to do

I got ten bucks left I'll buy some plastic fins

Walk down the bank.... jump in and swim

Hey wait for me! This water's cold!!

Toss me a life preserver so I can climb on board

I'm going back where I started.. Putting on my coat

I can't catch up ...I missed the boat

I'll apply for help - I can't stay afloat

I can't catch up - I missed the boat

The boat just left and you weren't on it

How long should they wait for you

When it gets to a port and you're not there

Your luggage won't know what to do

 

HYPNOTIZED (Schennum)

I am hypnotized by you, my darling

I am so in love with you, my darling

We will be together soon when our case worker says it's all right

I can't wait to be with you another night

We had some fun at night, my darling

You tied me up real tight, my darling

You made me feel pain when you flogged me with that chain....I enjoyed it

When the paramedics came, well that spoiled it

Oooooooooo you got me so hypnotized

When you're gone I fantasize

About that look in your eyes

OOOOoooo I am so hypnotized

I know I ain't wise

But I'm so hypnotized

I'll be an out patient soon, my darling

I'll be fixing up our room, my darling

We'll be together soon when our case worker says it's all right

I can't wait to be with you another night

I am hypnotized by you

I am hypnotized by you

I am hypnotized by you

I am hypnotized by you

 

MICROCHIP (Schennum)

I'm going in tomorrow for my microchip implant

I need one for my job there's a new system at the plant

The system checks your number throughout the factory

Your number's kept on file for plant security

Microchip - Contains my identity

Microchip - On read only memory

Microchip - You really shouldn't mind

Unless there's something you're trying to hide

They tell you that it's painless when they inject it 'neath your skin

It's smaller than a pencil lead - They use a clean syringe

Scientists have data which proves they cause no harm

They've done some tests on livestock on several different farms

Microchip - Contains my identity

Microchip - On read only memory

Microchip - You really shouldn't mind

Unless there's something you're trying to hide

They scan you at each doorway when you come and when you leave

They know when you have coffee - they know what time you eat

They know which room you're in at any time of day

It's not that they don't trust you that's just how they operate

Microchip - Contains my identity

Microchip - On read only memory

Microchip - You really shouldn't mind

Unless there's something you're trying to hide

 

WHAT GOOD ARE TRAINS? (Schennum)

My great grandpa rode the train from the east, from the east

Built a farm on the plain.. planted seeds, planted seeds

Trains brought neighbors, trains brought supplies in,

Trains brought mail from over the horizon

Nowadays what good are trains anymore?

Some of the best songs I know, songs I know, songs I know

Talk of trains long ago, long ago, long ago

Box cars, coal cars, cars to eat meals in

Shining rails of steel, and old steam engines

Nowadays what good are trains anymore?

Now we got busses and trucks and airplanes too, airplanes too

Trains got nothin' left to do, left to do, left to do

The rails got quiet, they dug up the tracks

Ties went for fence posts, steel went for scrap

Nowadays, what good are trains anymore?

Waited ten minutes for a train in my car, in my car

Seems like I waited for an hour, for an hour, for an hour

Trains only serve to get on my nerves

As I wait in my car for the red light to turn

Nowadays, what good are trains?

What good are trains?

Nowadays, what good are trains anymore?

 

GOOD LUCK (Haworth)

You might have seen one of us on the TV just today

We know youíre just hanging on to every little word we say

We give you just enough "everythingís going to be OK"

We look you right in the eye donít stutter or hesitate

We come from up on the hill where even the carpets are white

Come from the other side of town where you donít go walking at night

Come on like youíre best friend give you a little wink and a grin

But when we get through we ainít gonna leave you nothing

We gotta place when the big one falls

We got the money and we got the balls

Thereís really only just a few of us

But If youíre looking for someone to trust

Good Luck

We donít care if everybody knows the truth

Cuz thereís no one but us rich enough to buy the proof

And if you get too close we put olí Harry up on the roof

Heís the best there is and nobodyís got a clue

We gotta place when the big one falls

We got the money and we got the balls

Thereís really only just a few of us

But If youíre looking for someone to trust

Good Luck

 

JUST LIKE YOU (Haworth/Schennum)

He was there again today with his cardboard sign in the rain

I'll work for food I'll work for pay I'll fix your car I'll fix your drain

And he was just like you Had a house with a back yard, too

Just like you

Down on Riverside or Main you'll see him time and time again

Singing songs, why the sidewalk is a stage ...Put some money in his hat - that's his wage

And he's just like you Though he's probably got a higher IQ

Just like you

You got him figured out or so you think beggin' quarters dimes and nickels for a drink

In all your hurry and your haste you'd never see the hard years in his face

And he's just like you Somewhere between a genius and a fool

Just like you

Don't look so smug you're just another frog in the pond

If they pull out your plug How will you respond?

The Boss says sales are awfully slow .. we can't afford to keep you anymo'

You'll understand exactly what he meant . . when you have to sell the car to pay the rent

You'd better get a clue 'cause you could lose the rat race too

It could be you

 

IT'S NOT MY FAULT (Schennum)

I havenít drank at Molly's for a long long time

Although it's my favorite kind of bar

My last time there I was out of line

And when I left I climbed into my car

It was late at night I ran a red light

Collided with a pick-up and a car

No one was killed, but there were bills

To be settled with the owner of the bar

It's not my fault I feel no shame

I'm not responsible for what I do

My lawyer said I'm not to blame

If I can find somebody I can sue

I live in a mansion I drive a Lincoln

I'm active in political campaigns

I take all the credit whenever I can

When something's wrong I find out who to blame

It's not my fault I feel no shame

I'm not responsible for what I do

My lawyer said I'm not to blame

If I can find somebody I can sue

I haven't drank at Molly's for a long long time

I tried to go in there yesterday

She showed me the door - Well that's just fine

I don't know why she won't see things my way

It's not my fault I feel no shame

I'm not responsible for what I do

My lawyer said I'm not to blame

If I can find somebody I can sue

 

TURN IT UP (Schennum)

I listen to the radio

I know how songs are s'posed to go

They have a beat that goes like this

The lyrics deal with relationships

Turn it up Turn it up Turn it up Turn it up

But if it don't go .......

Turn it off

My girlfriend got her nipples pierced

I pierced mine when I pierced my ears

She pierced her nose I pierced my chin

We pierced some other parts we can't mention

Turn it up Turn it up Turn it up Turn it up

But if it don't go ...........

Turn it off

We like songs with lot's of repetition

We like songs with lot's of repetition

We like songs with lot's of repetition

We like songs with lot's of repetition

Turn it up Turn it up Turn it up Turn it up

But if it don't go ..........

Turn it off

 

RUSH HOUR (Schennum)

Slow movin' car in front of mine

The driver sure seems to be wastin' time

Grey wisps of hair beneath his hat

A couple of dents around the sides and back

These streets look different when I drive slow

They blur when I go too fast

Ten cars behind me all in a line

The wait for a chance to go past

In the left hand lane it's rush hour time

Weavin' between the white and yellow line

Turn signals and brake lights flash it's in low gear

It's hard to tell but he just might turn here

These streets look different when I drive slow

They blur when I go too fast

Ten cars behind me all in a line

The wait for a chance to go past

He don't care when the mad ones pass

Hands on the horn and their feet on the gas

Sometimes he smiles sometimes he winks

He donít care what other drivers think

These streets look different when I drive slow

They blur when I go too fast

Ten cars behind me all in a line

The wait for a chance to go past

 

EVEN UP THE SCORE (Haworth)

Did I take advantage of your generosity

Did I pour myself one too many glasses of fine whiskey

Was all you offered really just a test for me

If I looked back with your eyes have I failed miserably

Should the memories of good times

That we had be cast away

Can we rid ourselves of four years in a day

If itís easy for you my compliments

But for me another chapter makes no sense

Chances are youíd say its my turn to communicate

But you left me with a bad taste and I canít spit it out

Trying to understand why all my time and energy

Means no more to you than a leaf to a tree

Worked hard so we could realize the very best that we could be

So dependable so clever so naive

You turned down my request upon my leave

You got everything you wanted out of me

Iíd be lying if I said it didnít bother me

Tried to just ignore it like you do when I disagree

For years we shared a kind of comfortability

Till that last night in Montana when your eyes burned into me

Does your anger for me satisfy

Am I easy to berate

Was your friendship just a clever masquerade

I was at your side when you got hurt before

Are you using me to even up the score

 

SAILORPSALM (McRae)

Thereís times I get to thinkiní Ďbout the rigors of my life

Just half way through got a kid or two still married to my wife

I got two cars and VCRs and still sometimes I find

That the more I got the more there is to complicate my mind

So I guess Iíll keep on truckiní to just where I do not know

But keep those breezes cominí lord Iím sailiní with the flow

Sometimes in spite of myself I sit and reminisce

About opportunities Iíve wasted or have missed

But whininí ainít becoming of a man of my estate

Coarse platitudes bad attitudes just make your life run late

And Iíd like to be on time if you donít mind Iíll hit the floor

Just keep those breezes cominí lord Iím headed out the door

Iíd like to pick out a tune in the house of the lord on my banjo

It getís the faithful tappin feet when the homily is slow

And Iím lookin for eternal bliss itís just beyond my reach

And I pray that if Iím driftiní let me wash up on some beach

And I guess Iíll keep on catchiní breezes to that promised land

So keep those breezes cominí till I step off on the sand

Once upon a time I was a man without a mode

Headed on a journey down an undetermined road

But times have changed Iíd like to think Iíve learned a thing or two

And I know Iíve got to suit myself if I hope to suit you

And I guess Iíll keep on catchiní breezes to that promised land

So keep those breezes cominí till I step off on the sand

So I guess Iíll keep on truckiní to just where I do not know

But keep those breezes cominí lord Iím sailiní with the flow

 

THE STREAM (Schennum)

Itís a mountain stream and the waters clean

No motor boats no factories upstream

The banks are high and the brush is thick

There's some good fishing holes you can take your pick

Sometimes I think we should live over there

But I don't know what we'd do

Pretty much resigned to working all the time

Mailing checks when bills are due

When you wade the stream you might lose your balance

The current's strong I slipped and fell once

Lost my hat and watched it drift downstream

I think a fish might have laughed at me

Sometimes I think we should live over there

But I don't know what we'd do

Pretty much resigned to working all the time

Mailing checks when bills are due

Before we left I heard the river say

I'm glad you came I'm glad you could stay

Now don't leave a trace where you've been camped

Don't tell any jerks where I'm at

Sometimes I think we should live over there

But I don't know what we'd do

Pretty much resigned to working all the time

Mailing checks when bills are due

 

PINK TRAILER HOUSE (Schennum)

Lets move to the country so we can do what we want

Park our pink trailer house on our ten acre lot

We won't have to haul garbage we won't throw nothin away

Just leave it outside in a pile and we'll burn it someday

Here in the city the neighbors get all uptight

About my cars up on blocks in the yard they tell me that's not right

I never water the grass it's all dried up and burnt

I never paint the house because it's too much work

But out in the country in our little tin castle

We can do what we want there won't be any hassle

I can leave all the car parts that I want on my lot

Don't have to neuter my dog don't have to chain him up

Lets move to the country so we can do what we want

Park our pink trailer house on our ten acre lot

We won't have to haul garbage we won't throw nothin away

Just leave it outside in a pile and we'll burn it someday

I used to leave plastic trash bags on the highway at night

'til one day I got caught had to pay a big $10 fine

Well it would have cost more if I'd've gone to the dump

Still Iím much more careful about where I leave my stuff

Lets move to the country so we can do what we want

Park our pink trailer house on our ten acre lot

We won't have to haul garbage we won't throw nothin away

Just leave it outside in a pile and we'll burn it someday

THE GOOD WITH THE BAD (Haworth)

USED TO DRIVE ME CRAZY MADE ME BLOW MY COOL

AND I COULDN'T GET AWAY FROM YOU

YOU'D PULL SOME CAPER I'D END UP YOUR FOOL

TIMES I FELT I'WAS BORN TO LOSE

BUT YOU TAUGHT ME EARLY WHAT I MIGHT NEVER HADA LEARNED

YOU WERE JUST ONE POINT AWAY FROM THE POINT OF NO RETURN

JUST TO MAKE SOMEBODY HAPPY

PROBABLY MAKE SOMEBODY MAD

YOU GOTTA TAKE THE GOOD WITH THE BAD

JUST WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR GIRL I DON'T KNOW

BUT AT NIGHT OUT THE WINDOW YOU'D GO

YOU'D RIDE WITH JULIAN SIT WAY DOWN LOW

LATE AT NIGHT OUT THE WINDOW YOU'D GO

MAMA SAID YOU AIN'T GOIN NOWHERE GIRL

YOU GET ON BACK TO BED

YOU THINK I DONT KNOW THE SMELL

OF THOSE FUNNY CIGARETTES

JUST TO MAKE SOMEBODY HAPPY

PROBABLY DRIVE SOMEBODY MAD

YOU GOTTA TAKE THE GOOD WITH THE BAD

NOW LIFE AIN'T EASY YOU GOT HUNGRY MOUTHS TO FEED

AND HE SPENT THE RENT ON WHISKEY WHITES AND WEED

HE DON'T STRAIGHTEN UP THIS TIME YOU SWEAR YOUR GONNA LEAVE

BUT LAST TIME GIRL YOU HAD TO CALL THE POLICE

NOW YOU GOT NO MAN NO MONEY CAR JUST SITS THERE IN THE DITCH

FUN YOU ALREADY HAD MIGHT BE THE BEST YOUR GONNA GET

JUST TO MAKE SOMEBODY HAPPY

PROBABLY MAKE SOMEBODY MAD

YOU GOTTA TAKE THE GOOD WITH THE BAD

 

ALL THE LAND (Schennum)

A farmer once upon a time did not like his lot

It was too small like all the rest it was or so he thought

An offer he could not refuse once came his way

Saying he could have all the land he could walk around in a day

So he read the contract carefully - The terms were easy, they did say

He had to be back where he started from by sunset that same day

So he signed by the 'x' on the dotted line - Said as far as I can see it will all be mine

And I'll have all the land that I need

The next day at the crack of dawn he started bright and early

His clothes got damp and his stomach cramped but he pushed himself to hurry

Passing forests, crossing fields, wading creeks, climbing hills

By noon his back was soaked with sweat but he told himself he'd win the bet

The sun it sank as he crossed the track - no stopping now no holding back

Soon I'll have all the land that I need

About the time he crossed the line the sun had settled down

Earned himself the biggest farm there was for miles around

He passed out knowing that he had it all but he's never going to see it now

His color changed from pink to gray - never got up from where he lay

His friends laid him by a tree and dug a grave 6 feet by 3

I guess that's all the land that he needs

 

A STUDY IN HUMAN DANCE FLOOR BEHAVIOR (Schennum)

The band keeps playin' our favorite love songs and we're dancin'

They're using KAROAKE so they can't play 'em wrong and we're dancin'

I had about twelve shots of smooth Royal Crown and we're dancin'

I have some concerns about it all stayin' down while we're dancin' with depraved abandon

Let's leave real soon

We can take my car

We'll go to your place

What do you say?

By the way

What is your name

Anyway?

Let me tell you what I'm thinkin' let me tell you what I mean.... ....dancin'

Gonna need some change for the Pro-Tex machine

When we're done dancin'............. with depraved abandon

Let's leave real soon

We can take my car

We'll go to your place

What do you say?

By the way

What is your name

Anyway?

 

TEAMWORK (Schennum)

I used to work over time, I never got out of line

Never whined about the pay

One day I got laid off, so I found this government job

Doin' everything the easy way

No need to sweat and grunt

Big raises every month

I work for the government

I'll do it if it's not too hard, don't make me strain myself

I'm used to workin' with a team

One works the other ones watch, one works the other ones watch

I'm used to workin' with a team

No need to sweat and grunt

Big raises every month

I work for the government

The ones that really go far are like us: they don't work very hard

And when it breaks, they don't fix it

If you wanna be the boss and make about fifteen times as much

You just gotta wear a little brown lipstick

No need to sweat and grunt

Big raises every month

I work for the government

Dave works the rest of us watch

Geoff works the rest of us watch

Bob works the rest of us watch

Phil works the rest of us watch

Itís my turn you guys watch

Dennis works the rest of us watch

 

Personnel on Balding Men With Day Jobs

Steve Schennum: Guitar, Vocals, Mandolin, Occasional Bass, Banjo on "What Good are Trains"

Geoff Haworth: Bass, Vocals, Guitar

Dave McRae: Banjo, Vocals, Guitar, Bass

Phil Kleinman: Dobro, Lap Steel

Dennis Dayton: Drums, Percussion

Andy Turtle: Oboe

Bob Spittal: Saxophone, Flute

Tina Morrison: Bassoon

Alan Fisher: Occasional Mandolin

Michael Kenny: Occasional Drums

 

Go Baaaaack